He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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