A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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