I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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