you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
