it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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