dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Couch. On fire.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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