I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
