i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
it's like iHOP with fire
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
