Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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