i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
