I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
