I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
