You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
