At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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