It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
