So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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