he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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