You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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