One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
