he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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