If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
