I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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