So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
