Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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