I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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