i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
