There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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