When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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