sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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