I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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