so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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