Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
