You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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