I haven't been this sober since birth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
