She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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