tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
