I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
