New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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