You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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