I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
