i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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