I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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