he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
