so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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