my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
