I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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