Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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