I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
