I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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