I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
